A Thousand Years of Death!
by SkullsandDaggers
Summary: Some may find romance. Others... would rather face a thousand years of death than this cruel and unusual torture. Written by both Skulls and Daggers, edit by Daggers. Filter characters are the most recent.


hey-yo pathetic worthless people stuck in a dark room with legs crossed and hand on your face...yep, ima stalker. anywho!

How many times must I tell you - YOU HAVE TO BE POLITE TO THE READERS. Sorry, guys. I'm still working on her manners. But as she said, anywho. Welcome to our latest fanfic, A Thousand Years of DEATH! This is a collection of oneshots written alternately by Skulls and Daggers. OCs will be used in each oneshot, and while some may be mildly romantic, others... are just pure crack.

Skulls: crack as in the definition of Tobi? like the Tobi: Madara Uchiha on a mixture of crack-cocaine and heaps of sugar?

Daggers: OCD requires that I correct you... the line is: 'Madara Uchiha on a horrible mixture of crack and sugar-high.' For you readers, this line is from Akatsukitties, an awesome fanfic, though sadly I can't remember the author. Check it out if you've got time; it's great. Now, as I was saying a moment ago... This first oneshot was written by yours truly for Skulls. Kisame is one of her favorite men in general (she would prefer him over her own boyfriend if it came down to it!), so I'm sure you'll be able to tell which OC represents her in this fic. Now... the disclaimer. ...DO IT!

Voice: Why me?

Daggers: BECAUSE I told you to. Now get to it, slave!

Alucard: SkullsandDaggers do not own Naruto or any of the characters within these oneshots save for their various OCs... *inching toward wall* They also do not own me... *drops voice* Although they may be getting a visit from me tonight... *fingers twitch toward guns*

Skulls: y'know...there is a door _3 fuzzy inches away!_ *sighs* oh well, ooh! and just so you know...i got The jackyls ammo with me so uhm...yeah.

Alucard: 0.o SASUKE! GIVE IT BACK!

Skulls: oh~o what about those visits though ;) i would _really_ like 'em...

Daggers: OOOOKAY, this conversation is not going any further! Nobody wants to know what you'd do to Alucard. Readers, please begin the fanfic... while I figure out a way to stop a potential case of vampire rape...

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><p><strong>A Thousand Years of DEATH!<br>Pocket Monsters part 1  
>Kisame<strong>

"Itachi."

The raven-haired man stopped walking and glanced over his shoulder at his partner. "Yes. I know." He slid his hand into his pocket, where Kisame knew he had surreptitiously taken hold of a kunai and was now waiting for their follower to reveal themselves. Kisame himself repressed a grunt of annoyance. There was no way to ready the Samehada without giving away his intentions. Itachi would have to handle this one on his own, at least until the battle started - that is, of course, supposing there _was_ a battle. The Uchiha had been in a foul mood all day; he was likely to kill first (very quickly) and ask questions later.

"Kisame. Let's go."

Itachi began to move again. A rustling in the nearby leaves that was far from synonymous with the wind said that the inexperienced stalker was following suit. Not wanting to be left out of the fun, Kisame did as he was bidden, trailing after Itachi. Then it happened.

_KK-RRACK!_

"WWWAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

_Thud._

Itachi whirled around at the three noises that had come almost as one, kunai in hand and Sharingan activated. Then he blinked and stared for a moment, unsure of how to handle the situation before him. A very small female with black, blocky-framed glasses and vibrant red hair was rubbing her backside in obvious pain, a pout adorning her face. Underneath her lay Kisame and large dead tree branch, the former of which was massaging a rather large lump on his head. Whether girl or branch was to blame for this, Itachi couldn't decide.

"Oooww!" the girl whined, poking at her bottom gingerly. "Bruise... bruise... The whole left side's gonna be a bruise! Stupid branch! It's not nice to break when people are standing on you!" The red-head glanced up and, catching sight of Itachi, screamed bloody-murder, and promptly attatched herself to Kisame's leg. "DON'T EAT MEEEEE!" she screeched, tightening her grip.

Kisame leapt up, though how he managed it even Itachi wasn't sure, and proceeded to sling his leg around in an attempt to free himself. "Get off!" he shouted at the midget. She did the opposite, squeezing even harder. After nearly two minutes of this, Kisame growled and put his foot back on the ground, reaching for the Samehada. "Get off or I'll cut you off," he said threateningly to his cling-on.

She looked up at him and narrowed her eyes, one of which was gray while the other was greenish-blue. "No," she replied. "I ain't lettin' go, and you ain't gonna touch meh."

"Wanna bet?" Kisame snarled, raising his sword.

The red-head raised one of her own hands, which now inexplicably held a Ramuné bottle. "Don't make me use this!" she warned, waving it around. Being short and midgety, her arms weren't that long either, and as close to the ground as she was, she wouldn't be able to reach any higher than...

Kisame paled, dropping the Samehada back to its usual resting place on his shoulder. "...Right," he said in a strangled voice. "Got it."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Both midget and shark raised inquisitive eyebrows at the Uchiha. Itachi was roaring with laughter, head thrown back in classic bad-guy fashion. Then, abruptly, he stopped and looked at them as though nothing had happened. "Come on, Kisame." With that he turned and resumed walking back to the hideout. Struggling with the added weight of the red-haired girl, Kisame attempted to follow, but was unable to bend his right knee and thus forced to drag his leg along behind him. The girl, for her part, simply grinned.

~The Hideout~

"Deidara," Kakuzu growled, holding a girl with thigh-length blue hair up by her dress collar. "Where did this come from?"

The blonde grinned. "Oh, her! Funny story, really - Sasori no danna and I were on our way back from our last mission, and she just popped up out of nowhere, un."

"_And?_" Kakuzu pressed, shaking the girl.

"Well... she, ah, kind of grabbed me and, uh, wouldn't let go, un. I had to bring her home, un."

Scowling dangerously, Kakuzu looked her in the eye. "Touch any of the money here, and you _die_," he warned, then dropped her to the floor and stalked away.

The bluenette, who was only slightly less midgety than the one who had attacked Kisame, bounced up almost instantly, brushing dirt off her gothic lolita dress. Then she froze, finding Zetsu three inches away from her face. "...Hi?" she said uncertainly.

"Do you like plants?" Zetsu asked without preamble, narrowing his eyes (erm, eye?) scrutinously.

She blinked. "Um... yes?"

Zetsu moved to her side and seized her unsuspecting hand, holding it in his own. Deidara noticed this and marched over angrily, pulling the girl towards himself. "Mitts off, fly trap! _I_ brought her home; that makes her mine, un!"

"She likes plants," Zetsu growled, yanking her back towards him.

"I bet she likes art better, un!" _Tug._

"Find another one." _Tug._

"You go find your own, un!" _Tug._

"Hey!" a deep voice interrupted, causing both the combatants and the prize to look at its owner. Itachi, who had just returned, stood before them, arms crossed.

"What do you want, un?" Deidara demanded irritably.

Itachi glanced at the girl. She looked back at him with sparkly emerald eyes. "There's a very simple solution to this problem you seem to have," he said.

Zetsu looked at him interestedly. "What?"

"Quite obviously, the girl is..." The black-haired man paused dramatically... and snatched the bluenette out of their grasp, smirking. "Mine." Both plant and explosion artist stared with jaws dropped as Itachi strolled out of the room, the short female clutching his arm tightly and skipping along happily beside him.

The incompatibly-sized couple returned to the first room in the hideout, which was home to the front door. Kisame, having been slowed by his own short cling-on, was just now dragging himself through said door, scowling down at the red-head in a way that would have frightened crying infants into silence. She, however, was not phased in the least.

"Thanks for waiting, Itachi," Kisame snarled sarcastically at his partner. Then he blinked and gestured towards the blue-haired girl. "Where'd that one come from?"

Itachi shrugged, awkwardly due to the grip she had on his arm. "Deidara found her. I took her from him and Zetsu. They were arguing over her," he explained.

Out of nowhere came two ridiculously loud shrieks, one from each side of the room. The two midgets released their men and lunged for one another, still screaming gleefully. Itachi and Kisame watched in mild shock as the girls seized one another in a tight embrace that, by all accounts, should have broken them both in half. Contrary to the laws of physics, however, both remained intact and even managed to speak as they crushed one another.

"TENSHI-CHAN!"

"MOMO-CHAN!"

"I MISSED YOU!"

"I MISSED YOU TOO!"

They pulled back to look at eachother and, miraculously, stopped shouting, opting instead to simply talk loudly.

"Where were you? I was looking for you!" the red-head said, pouting at her friend.

"Me?" the blunette asked incredulously. "Where were YOU? You must have gotten lost; I was in the desert where we were supposed to be!"

"The desert? YOU must have gotten lost! We were supposed to be in the forest!"

"No, no, no! We said the desert! You got lost."

"We _said_ the forest! You got lost!"

"You got lost!"

"You got lost!"

"_**You**_ got lost!"

"_**You**_ got lost!"

"You!

"You!"

"No, you!"

"Nooo, you!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"**YOU!**"

"**YOU!**"

"HEY!" Itachi interrupted for the second time that day, pushing the bickering (and once again shouting) females apart. "Maybe you BOTH got lost?" he suggested, hoping to stop the yelling. It worked, both girls falling silent and regarding him thoughtfully. Satisfied, Itachi stepped back next to Kisame, who was massaging his leg.

"_Finally_ free," he muttered to Itachi, relief evident in his tone. "I was starting to think she'd never get off m-" In that instant, both girls dashed back to their chosen Akatsuki men, standing in front of them with big grins.

"She's Momo!" the blunette said cheerfully, pointing at her shorter companion.

"She's Tenshi!" the red-head exclaimed, also pointing across the room.

Tenshi and Momo then fixed them with inquisitive stares, waiting.

"...He's Kisame," Itachi said, smiling slightly as he jabbed a finger in his partner's direction.

"And he's Itachi," Kisame informed them, finishing the introductions.

The girls were silent... for about three seconds. Then Momo let out a happy screech. "I LURVES JUU, KISAME!" she squealed, launching herself at him. Her arms closed around his leg, and Kisame roared in anguish.

"NNNNNOOOOOOO!" the shark-man howled. He began to thrash about wildly, desperate to dislodge the clingy girl. Itachi and Tenshi looked on with unreadable expressions as Momo climbed Kisame as though he were a tree, scrambling up to his shoulder, where she attempted to sit. However, due to the aforementioned thrashing, Momo was bucked off and sent flying into the air. Feeling her weight vanish, Kisame stopped moving. He, Itachi and Tenshi stared then as Momo sailed upward towards the ceiling... and came hurtling back down towards the floor, only to land in Kisame's enormous cloak pocket.

"...Juu okay?" Tenshi asked after a moment, stepping forward to poke the lump that was Momo.

The smaller and younger girl stuck her unruly red head up out of the pocket's confines, grinning widely. "I'M A POKéMON!" she shouted excitedly. When all she recieved in answer were confuzzled stares, she took the liberty of explaining. "Pokémon stands for Pocket Monsters! I'm a little monster thingy, and I'm in Kisame's pocket! I'm a Pocket Monster!"

Kisame groaned and flopped onto a nearby couch. "Yeah, you're a monster, alright," he muttered, putting an arm over his eyes. "A monster pain." Momo, still in the pocket, grinned once again before vanishing into its dark depths. A deranged giggle issued from within it a few seconds later, but those in the room tried to pretend for the sake of their sanity that they hadn't heard.

Tenshi giggled as well, then sobered and looked sadly at Itachi. "I won't fit in your pocket..." she mumbled downheartedly. Before he could respond, she shrugged. "Eh, oh well. Say, what do you people have to eat around this place? I'm hungry." With that, she marched off in search of the kitchen, leaving Itachi to wonder just what he and Kisame had gotten themselves into.

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><p>Skulls: well, as you probably already figured out: i'm the shorter of us i got red hair and wear glasses i'm also the younger of us...so in pretty much all fan-fictions you can tell who is who by just this alone.<p>

Daggers: Oh, what? No thank-you for your oneshot? *mock faints*

Skulls:uhm...I was supossed to?...ok. THANK-YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH TENSHI-CHAN I'M GLAD I HAVE YOU!

Daggers: That's better. ;) The next oneshot will be part 2, written by Skulls... I CAN'T WAIT!

Skulls: that might take awhile...i got biology this semester...and it SUCKS! so yeah... oh, and did you find a way to stop my...alice-ifying of my dear vampire (yes that was a keehlhauled reference, daggers wrote that and i'm the inspiration for alice)

Daggers: *sweatdrop* Still working on that... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ALUCARD!

Skulls: now now! I wouldn't kill him...just make sure all his clothes were burned when he's sleepin'...or i could always go back in time and retrieve young walter...hehehehehe...

Daggers: Cue the pervy giggle. Well, anyway, I hope all of you enjoyed the oneshot and will join us for the next installment!


End file.
